I'm not surprised, in the least, that Bachelor alum Jillian is setting up shop with a new website - and most likely - shiny new publisher in tow - to help jaded women everywhere find the right man. Getting the friend card was the best thing that could have happened to
Jillian. She had the best edit on The Bachelor this season and looks
damn good in that purple flannel. She
emerged smelling like roses, despite the fact that she didn't end up
with the last one.
When films like He's Just Not That Into You are filling theaters, Jillian's timing couldn't be better. This is exactly what women are looking for. Sassy short-hand based on a mystery pork by-product that will predict the future. Jillian's hot dog theory will send women to the concession stands in droves. I can picture it now:
The stealth stalking at half-time, the hiding behind the Costco-sized ketchup barrels, the waiting in cat-pounce-stance to claw at the mustard guy ...
So what's the dish on the hot dog theory, you ask? Your topping, if you sport a twig and berries that is, says a whole lot about you. Here's my own interpretation of the shortcut-to-man-bliss, otherwise known as the Jersey Girl Genius Hot Dog Theory.
Sauerkraut:
Your dream guy is not a sauerkraut guy. Sauerkraut is a loner, a rebel. He is a walking contradiction, a rare bird amongst condiments. Known to spend hours sculpting his fine, GQ physique, he might not wash his underwear more than once a month. Prone to poor hygiene and lack of ambition, Kraut may also be found starting home brew projects he is unlikely to finish and collects glass bongs from frequent "business trips" to Tijuana. You might have had a one night stand with a few Krauts back in college. That one time on the foosball table in the Frat house was especially memorable. But when daylight shines on this wiener, he'll show his true colors. When push comes to shove, he can't tell the difference between tuna and chicken and thinks a hymen is a trophy given out to college football stars. Ouch.
Chili Cheese:
CC is a risk taker who wants the best of both worlds - to have his snack and eat it too - and might be too commitment phobic for most woman. A glutton at heart, CC thinks that life should be lived without regret, which explains the unfortunate man boobs and protruding pot belly. (I would place Jason Mesnick in the chili cheese category and think his selection of mustard on the show was an attempt to throw Jillian off the scent.)
A bit of a slob, you'll find discarded fast food wrappers in the back seat of his car, along with a well worn DVD box set of South Park, Seasons 1-11. The most chivalrous of all the condiments, this character trait is often misinterpreted as marriage material. Sneaky and calculating, he'll hold the door for you so that he can check out your ass while he decided if he wants to "tap it" after dinner. CC is a social beast with scores of unemployed, male besties. Don't be surprised if he skips out on dinner with your parents in order to attend a Wii Bowling tournament at his buddy's house, where you'll find he's been drinking malt liquor out of the dog dish.
Raw Onions:
Clearly, Mr. Raw Onions is a boastful extrovert who isn't getting much action. He can often be found with his mullet against the glass at hockey games, yelling insults at the refs and starting fights with rival fans. Not to be confused with Kraut, Onions is an intellectual giant. Some might peg him a diamond in the rough, but it will take a special woman to tame this shrew. He's passionate about many things, like gambling, NASCAR and fishing for catfish with his bare hands. He'll do anything twice. When it comes to romance, Onions is more reserved. He'll wait until he's put away a 12-pack before approaching you and when he does, sit back and watch the magic happen. He might say things like "you look kind of pretty when I close one eye" and "are you down with having a threesome with my cousin over there ..." Onion emits a feral animal-esc odor when he's on the prowl that can be detected by all females within a 50 mile radius. He's easy to avoid unless you have a bad head cold.
Jillian is one whip smart Canuck. I smell a book deal and a lucrative sponsorship with Oscar Mayer on the horizon. I've already said that I'd buy whatever she's peddling - and with a personality that charismatic - I'd even consider a box of Jillian Sham Wows. Cosmetics, OB Tampons, Victoria's Secret Bras, Heinz Ketchup, Ball Park Franks. The woman can do no wrong, so I wrote this little ditty in her honor.
Goes a little something like this ...
My hot dog had a first name
It's J-A-S-O-N
My hot dog had a second name it's
15 Minutes of FAME
I am so glad
I did not rub
His wee wil-ly in the hot, hot tub ....
Cuz ....
Jason Mesnick did away with
M-E-L-I-S-S-A